Mmegi

All sex is good, as long as there is informed consent

BY MATLHOGONOLO SAMSAM

Sex positivity means different things to different people, but in the broad simple term, it refers to the idea that all sex is good, as long as there is explicit informed consent. Just so I am clear, saying all sex is good does not include sex with children or animals because they CANNOT give informed consent for sex. Because we are raised in a sex negative society that views sex from an angle of fear, oppression, and stigma, we do not often openly talk about sex, we see it as a dirty, dangerous, unnatural and uncontrollable act which of course, is not the truth. Some of the stereotypes about sex

positivity are around having lots of sex, but like I already stated, sex positivity is different for everyone, so while having a lot of consensual sexual activity is a preference for other people, other people may engage in less sex or abstain completely from sex and that is okay.

When it comes to sex negativity, women are often at the receiving end. We are raised and socialised to believe that it is shameful for a woman to desire sex, that women should have sex for procreation and even when they do not get pleasure from that they should not complain. We are made to believe that when it comes to sex men must always take the lead and women should be content even if they are not sexually satisfied, otherwise they will bruise their man’s ego. All these expectations and norms have created a lot of stigma for women who sexually express themselves, labelling them in derogatory terms. This is even worse for women who have sex with other women; some have been raped by men to “show them what they are missing” and are constantly being bashed for “trying to be men” and doing “unnatural” acts.

The same stigma and violence is also seen in the violence against queer people. The world is so sex negative that a lot of countries still criminalise consensual sex between same sex adults; imagine not being able to sexually express yourself with your partner because someone else thinks it is disgusting. Sex workers are also often shamed and violated for commercialising sex, a clear sign of sexual oppression and wanting to police other people’s bodies.

In Botswana, rape culture is still a problem because victims are often blamed and we hear comments like: “What was she wearing?”… “Why did you accept his drink?” … “She just wants to ruin his life,”… “She is a bitter woman,”… “Shouldn’t he be happy since he likes men?” The way we glamourise sexual offences is also a problem, for example why call it correctional rape when it is in fact homophobic rape? These statements and the language we use normalises sexual violence and disregard people’s human rights. Sex positivity fights the rape culture by emphasising the need for consent and respect for body autonomy.

By highlighting the sex negativity towards women, I am not saying that sex positivity is for women only. Like I mentioned earlier, because women are socialised to shun sex and some even hate parts of their bodies, they do not get to learn the most intimate parts of their sexual health. Men on the other hand are taught that to show that they are “real men,” they must engage in lots of sex with different people (as long as those different people are not other men). This kind of socialisation is harmful as it does not encourage people of all genders to seek to understand their own sexuality and to engage in relationships that honour and affirm their desires. The “men should,” and “women should,” also does not carry any water because it excludes other people who do not identify as men and women, or those who do not subscribe to society’s ideas of male and female role expressions.

In conclusion, being sex positive is allowing people the liberty to engage in sexual acts with anyone they want, in whatever way they want as long as all parties consent. The concepts of consent and communication, being open minded and informed are great, and do not mean that you are now obliged to try out kinks that make you uncomfortable or feel unsafe or required to push your limitations/boundaries even if you feel uncomfortable. It also means that people who choose to abstain from sex for personal reasons are just as sex positive as those who choose to do it, as long as there is no shaming, judgement, or coercion.

NEWS

en-bw

2023-03-22T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-03-22T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://enews.mmegi.bw/article/281840057910644

Dikgang Publishing